Everyday

These past few days of being home have been rough. Roughity rough rough.

We were at the point early this morning that I finally called he doctor. I spoke with the pediatric hematology oncologist on call, which wasn't Dr. T it was her partner Dr. O. She spent close to ten minutes doing nothing but assuring me that everything she's doing is normal with the meds she's on. One medicine in particular, which is a steroid. She promised me it was killing all the cancer, and that on its own it could get her into remission. But the cancer would come back so she has to be on all the other stuff too. So all the crying, the awake every 2-3 hours at night, the frowns (it's been days since we've seen her smile), all the asking for something then not wanting it when it's in front if her, all the fussing will all be worth it. And in two weeks she'll be off that dreaded stuff! When we were still in the hospital and Dr. T. Was talking me brought the next month I remember her point out he day that she could go off the steroid (14 days exactly, not that I'm counting) and said something like, "and on this day we'll be done with it, thank heaven!" I totally get it now.

I'm not going to lie, with all the roughness, and lack of sleep, my emotions have been all over the place. I could feel the doubts and the hopelessness and the guilt creeping in. But today is a new day. And while she is still in the same state she was yesterday, I'm not. Everyday I have to learn that lesson of how my attitude can change our day. Everyday we're one day closer than the end of all of this. Everyday I can find something to be happy about. Everyday I can find joy. It's all a matter of choice. And somedays that choice comes easier than others. But I'm going to hang tight to these days where the choice is easy. This are the days that will help me through the tougher ones. And there will be tougher days.

So today I'm going to be grateful that she asked for, and more importantly willing ate, something besides french fries (two poached eggs!).