Home

We are home!
It hardly seems possible, but we are home.
Yesterday morning they did her lab work early, thank heavens, and while her WBC count had come down, her platelets were holding steady and her ANC had gone up to 105. It's not 250 but the doctor was concerned with keeping her at the hospital too much longer. We run the risk of her picking up an infection there.
And then we waited, forever, to finally be set free.
We didn't get home until the afternoon. I quickly found out the longer I was home the more exhausted I became. The weight of the past 10 days suddenly felt heavier. This whole ordeal becomes more real. My emotions are that much closer to the surface. At the hospital I had one thing to focus on and at home I have about 24,000. Combine all that with the fact that I was so physically exhausted.
I will say that being able to sleep in my own bed did wonders.
So how's Mary? That's a question I hear a lot of and I don't always know how to answer. "She's fine." or "She's doing ok." Always seem to be my go to. I'm starting to realize though that I have to be more real. More real with myself and more real with anyone who asks. She has a life threatening disease. She is at such a high risk of infection it's scary. These things are not ok. So how is Mary? In one word she is cranky. On second thought that might be an understatement. She never knows quite what she wants. And if I need her to do something, and it's not her idea or at least approved by her good luck with that. Which I'm told is due, in part, to one of her meds (you know the one that causes irritability?) She is also weak and not wanting to be up and moving around much. She frequently asks to be carried around. She has a sore on her lip that is cracked and bleeds from time to time, that just hurts. I kind of think everything must hurt. This evening as I was holding her she just started to say, "All done." I feel the same way.
I feel like I'm a first time mother with a newborn again. Not because of the constant care but because I constantly am not sure from one moment to the other what's "ok" and can be filed under the "new normal" or what is not. I'm constantly taking her temperature. Constantly just checking on her. The doctor has given me a list of reasons to call her. They pretty much boiled down to, "If you feel like something is off, call." She even told me there was no such thing as a dumb call. For the time being she has more confidence in my "mother's intuition" than I do.
We had to take her to have her blood drawn today. Fortunately we were able to do it here in town. All her numbers were about the same or slightly lower as yesterday. So for now we just keep doing what we're doing. Our next visit with the doctor and her next infusion (this will be through her port) is on Tuesday. As of right now I don't know if we will need to have her blood drawn again between now and then.
I found this today.

I think that pretty much sums up how we're functioing.

Five minutes at a time.