Amazed

This morning, in the very early hours, I was woken up by a little voice saying, "Mama, come here. Mama, come here. Mama, come here." And it continued until I was awake enough to hear her say, "snuggle." I crawled into bed with her and held her until I thought she was good and asleep. I started to slowly move away when I heard a firm and definite, "no." So there I stayed for the rest of the morning.

Even in those early hours I had a feeling of amazement come over me. I was amazed at how well she knew her needs and then communicated them. I don't think I've given her enough credit when it comes to her understanding her body and how it is feeling. One of the side affects of one of the medications she's had can be an ache or soreness in the jaw. The other day she was pointing at her teeth but I couldn't read exactly what she was telling me. Then later the doctor reminded me of this possible side affect so I told her what Mary had been doing. She was impressed that she was so specifically showing where her pain was. 

So in those early hours of holding her I was given a gentle reminder to listen, listen to her and what she's telling me. Let her be in charge, when she needs to be in charge. As much as I wish I could take this away from her and take her pain away there is no way for me to know exactly what she's feeling. I have never lived through what she is living through. The only way for me to know how to help her is to listen.

So, right now the length of our hospital stay is dependent on a few numbers found in her daily labs. Today I learned now to calculate her ANC number. ANC stands for absolute neutrophil count, and from what I'm told this calculation will play a large role in our lives over the next couple of years. I'll save what it means, and how to calculate it, for one of my "education" posts. 

For us to go home that number needs to be at least 250. This morning she was at 88, which was twice what it was yesterday. In addition her platelets need to be above 10. I'm trying hard not to hold my breath and take things as they come. Chances are though, either way, there will be some pressure releasing tomorrow.