What About Mom?

I get asked a lot how I'm doing with all of this. 

I won't pretend that it's not overwhelming. I won't pretend that it won't always be overwhelming.

But really, I'm doing fine.

I've heard many times that grief comes in waves. When your child has been diagnosed grieving is necessary, I think, to acceptance and to your outlook. I've learned this before, twice. But both of those times grief felt more of a mountain to climb and once I was on the other side I felt freer and able to move on. Now having a child diagnosed. with leukemia I'm starting to understand the waves a little more. There are moments when it hits me. When I realize something that I had not thought of before. Or when I walk out of a room wih her laying sedated on a table. It comes crashing down. But as waves do it settles then washes away.

For months now I've known something was coming. I, obviously, didn't know what or when but I've had a feeling for months that our lives could turn and turn quickly. Unfortunately, I let many of those feelings of doom consume me. I could see myself living in fear, dreaming up scenarios. Worried when David was a little late from work, worried that something terrible would happen to my children when we slept. Worried, worried, worried. It was unhealthy, and I wasn't happy but I was starting to feel crippled.

Then a few months ago someone started posting about the 100 Happy Days project. When I read about it I really wanted to try it but was worried I wouldn't make it through the whole 100 days. In my mind I though it I start it then something horrible would happen. I decided to go for it. I decided to choose happy. While it didn't happen over night I could see a change in my outlook just by finding something, anything, to be happy about each day. And I guess I was sort of right, something pretty awful has come I our lives. But I see now that there's something everyday that I can choose to be happy about.

Last month I got news that a friend's husband died suddenly. A friend who is near my age with three small children. My heart was crushed. I felt helpless. As I poured out my heart in prayer the thought came to me to share words of encouragement. The only way I knew how to do that was Instagram and Facebook. So that's what I did. Each day as sat down to find words that would uplift her a word would come to my mind to search and I always found something a phrase or a scripture I knew I needed to share. That little project, what I called the lifting hearts project, changed me as well. I came to see that when we are looking for ways to serve and help one another Heavenly Father will proved all we need. It was overwhelming to see and feel a small glimpse of His live for us.

So what does this have to do with how I'm feeling about Mary being diagnosed with Leukemia? I guess you could say they've prepared me for it. Again I'm not saying that here in a couple of months I won't be failing apart at thee seams. But for right now, for today I'm fine. 

I also have been amazed with how well the nurses are taking care of me. One nurse, who was here the night we arrived, came back each day she worked and came in just to check on me. She wasn't even assigned to Mary. Her and another nurse got me a notebook that first night so I could start writing. And processing. They find me hot chocolate each morning, even though I'm sure I'm the only one in the hospital drinking it. One day another nurse pretty much kicked me out of the room, so I could have a moment or two away. They answer my continued stream of questions, they sit and chat and so many of them constantly ask what they can get for me.

And then her doctor, Dr. T. Each day asks how I am feeling. She asks about how David is feeling and how the other kids are doing. When I tell her they're coming to visit, she always says, "Good, good." (Just to give you a visual, one nurse described Dr. T as like Mrs. Doubtfire, I think it fits pretty close!)

Like I said I have been amazed, and that's just the hospital staff. That says nothing of the continued love, prayers and support from our family and friends. And I won't mention how much of our laundry that Granny has been doing. 

When we have the team behind us that we do I can't help but feel strengthened!